Be Proud in Your Pride

I am somebody. I am ME.

And I don’t need anybody to make me somebody.

-Louis L’Amour

Who am I?

The search for identity wasn’t only Buddha’s pursuit. 

Each person’s own sexual and gender identity is core to this search. Am I a man or a woman? Who and what decides it? Whom am I truly and deeply attracted to? Should I conform to a norm that a majority or a community prescribes? What is making me want to fit in? There are so many questions carpet bombing my mind. 

Pride month is celebrated all over the world. There are arguments or views on why the world suddenly awakens just one month in a year. It hasn’t been easy to convince organisational leadership to invite them to learn more and promote understanding for all.

In the organisation I work for, it has been an amazing journey over the past two years. To go from thinking “deviants” may be one or two to taking baby steps with five people identifying last year as a part of the spectrum to this year with over forty-eight people identifying themselves.

Gathering vocabulary that provides clarity on sexuality, being able to distinguish gender identity, body types, sexual orientation, and much more has been a powerful journey for me. 

Human beings are more than the binary understanding we have been conditioned to.

To begin with sex is assigned at birth. That’s not just the factor that defines our sexuality. Our sexuality has more dimensions than the sex assigned at birth. Gender and sex are not the same thing.Fit is based on the genitals but may not be based on what the child may grow up and identify as. Gender is largely how you feel about yourself. It is what you believe about yourself and identify with. Gender is a social construct. 

Let’s take another step forward. What’s your sexual orientation? Somewhere along the way, we begin to find ourselves attracted to or attracting potential suitors to procreate. Humans (and dolphins) are the only beings capable of engaging sexually in both recreational and romantic contexts.Here comes our attraction, which may be inconsistent or consistent with our identity by assigned sex or programmed or resonating gender. When did you first realise you were “straight” or “heterosexual”?If the answer is “I just knew”, then that is the case for others as well. Very naturally.

Lastly, there are expressions: how we choose to express our identity and the way we show up and interact with the world around us. The clothes we choose, the makeup we wear, and the roles we play in our intimate interactions. 

The world of ourselves offers a window to find out more for those who are curious, open-minded, and non-judgmental about what is around us. The rules of that world include “don’t yuck my yum” and being “accepting” of other people by telling them “Come as you are.”

The Silver Lining

Eda, how do we know what app to look for on the phone? asked my 78-year-old father after observing me doing something on my smartphone. While growing up, I saw him pride himself on being hands-on with technology. 

Times gone by

In the 70s and 80s, a person with tech acumen was able to operate, repair, and improve the experience of electrical equipment like TVs, amplifiers, ovens, lights, and pipes in the house. We prided him on being able to comprehend, apply his intelligence, and make things functional. He was electric and electronic savvy, so to speak.

Ever since he saw the first computer being installed in the company he worked for, something the size of a monstrous generator, he flipped. He was scared and cautious about interacting with a personal computer. The language and terms were tough to comprehend for him those were big reasons for his unwillingness to learn. He was operating from a space of fear and insecurity and hence couldn’t take this learning journey at the pace that was needed at that time.

The present

With the entry of smartphones into our lives, this learning gap has widened further. There are two generations handling this very differently. One whose lives almost depend on it and another who can’t seem to understand how anyone can do almost everything on the phone.

I spent the entire last month with my parents, and it was a very insightful time for me. I observed them keenly, their rituals, thoughts, outlook, insecurities, survival techniques, and much more.

The future

It made me think about the kinds of challenges that lie ahead for our generation and beyond as we transition through our age timeline.

What is it like now for an average person to interact and transact on the Metaverse, Blockchain, or other newer concepts? What more evolved technologies and innovations will enter our sphere, making life simpler for some and more complex for others?

Soon, silver will shine in our generation. Time is moving faster than we can comprehend. Remaining relevant and productive will become more challenging by the day.

Grow together

I wonder if there is something we can build as communities. Focus on enabling the middle-aged generation as they interface with the technology and lifestyles of the future.

What can be done proactively for the multi-generational workforce so that they are purposeful and fitting in times to come? How can we leverage the collective power of the present to prepare for the future and stay productive and grow together?

It’s about time we started building muscles and preparing as a society. This opportunity definitely has a silver lining. There is immense scope to learn and grow together.

My Two Watches – Inclusion in Diversity

A little over two years ago, thirteen men met to walk the banks of the Narmada as part of a leadership walk. Eight days of spiritual and humbling walk to find out their purpose. No wallet, no mobile phones, just being with ourselves and the brotherhood to figure ourselves out.

The bond of divesity

While all of these fellows were exceptional people, these two were the ones my heart connected with the most. One was a 31-year old entrepreneur with an unheard-of kind of name, of Persian descent, divorcee, and the other was a 25-year old Tamil Catholic, unmarried adulting man, naive, confused but supremely kind soul. They opened their heart to me, a 40-year old Malayalee, an atheist, a separated human on my own journey.

We walked, talked, cried, climbed, hurt, laughed, shared, stripped, ate, and slept together those eight days. This journey forged a brotherhood tighter than we ever imagined was possible. Read more about the walk here

We parted after the walk. I continued my learning journey until the day the pandemic kicked in. As a solo traveler, I was always on the go and had no place to nest. I was not comfortable going back to my hometown and finding shelter given my state of mind then. The 31-year old opened up his home for me. I could live with him as long as I wanted and grew wings to be on my own again. The 25-year old would do frequent sanity checks on me as we all were in the same town.

Something positive during Pandemic

The bond we had forged grew stronger. Our time together was in the space of naked truth and unburdening, with unfiltered conversations and unconditional love and support for each other.

When the first wave subsided, the three of us decided to backpack and revisit a few stretches from our walk. Our picks were Gokarna and Murudeshwar, after a brief stop at Goa. Initially, a few other friends were traveling with us. The space the three of us had made a few people jealous. There were fights about the closeness we shared and how it impacted our intimacy with others. But, we three reveled in the company we shared.

A piece of me

On that trip, we spent Christmas on the beach. As a token of love and appreciation for the wonderful brothers they had been to me, I gifted them my most prized possessions: My Two Watches. At one time, I took pride in wearing them. Now I wanted these two gentlemen to keep them. For me, it meant that they had a piece of me with them.

The present day saga

Time passed. The youngest, 25 years old, decided to get married. We were all looking forward to this reunion and celebrating in full glory.
Just then, I contracted the virus. I sat sulking in isolation, hating that I had to miss this occasion. Something I had been looking forward to with much anticipation.

I tried to keep myself busy on the day to not feel anything. There was an eerie silence on the Whatsapp group too. Then I got a message from them. Something which overwhelmed me made me gooey and felt loved and included beyond words.

It was a beautiful photo of their wrists adorned with the two watches I had gifted them.

The brotherhood found a way to make my presence felt even when I was miles away. A part of me was there with them at the wedding.
What a way to toast – Inclusion, Diversity, and Friendship!

Hard hitting questions

This feeling will stay with me all through my life. It made me think about how we go the extra mile for those we love and care about in our personal life.

What about diversity and inclusion in the workplace? Why do we find it so challenging? These questions so categorically came up.

• Do we consider a colleague in the minority, who nevertheless contributes to the company aim, when they aren’t there in the room and we’re planning an outing, an offsite, task distribution, or any other choice that affects their work lives?
• Are we addressing the elephant in the room?
• Are we aware of any potential prejudices we may possess?
• Are we treating the person with respect, regardless of their identity, which we may or may not share?
• How can we, as HR professionals and business leaders, make intentional space for diversity, attract talent, and ensure that our company’s goals are met?
• What can we do for inclusion and diversity – for persons of all faiths, races, dietary preferences, sexual orientations, disabilities, gender identities, and generations in the same space?

Be Human and Humble

Times are rapidly changing. The race against time and money will soon be won by a few. Leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves with what is left of humanity. Being human and humble is a choice we all should consider making. That’s what will keep our body, mind, and spirit alive. That’s the part that makes us feel like we have a sense of belonging, involvement, and citizenship. And we are cherished, trusted, and respected.

Dil Se Anaahat

Anaahat is described mystically as the sweet sound of the heart.It was a popular thought and a philosophy that received a lot of attention during the Middle Ages. ‘Dil Se Anaahat’ is a letter to acknowledge and express my love to Anaahat, who has been a witness to all my stories and everything else to date.

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Dear Anahaat,

You have spent more than 42 years inside me, but I haven’t spent as much time with you as I should have. I realise I have taken you for granted and I want to take a moment to tell you, what you mean to me. What an awesome backpacker you have been through all these years and more so in the last 3 years of my life.

You’ve carried all of my weight and carried me along without a murmur. The power you’ve kept generating and that pump you work on has kept me alive. You have been my leader in experiencing life. Everything on the spectrum. I have heard you race and be calm. I have clutched at you-aching.

Your unwavering support

Everything that my body experiences: excitement, joy, sadness, love, lust, anger, greed, jealousy, doubt, guilt, shame, angst, affects you deeply. Even then, you have never held me back from experiences, risks, or the unknowns in store for me. You have nudged me subtly, maybe even complained a little when I made the wrong choices, but have always been there, unfailingly.

Perhaps my life would have turned out differently if I had listened to you, but would it have been as interesting as it is now? I am not sure.

On my journey of love, Anaahat, you rode on my sleeves, fearlessly. You made me powerful enough to trust and to be trusted. You have run wild with me in pursuit of love. I have felt you skipping a beat every time I crushed and squished on someone. Every time I broke, or failed, you just coped. You were aware of my hidden regrets and told me “this too shall pass”. You got me trying again.

How do you do it?

I want to sincerely ask you: Do you ever feel bored pumping day in and day out? How do you keep yourself motivated? How can you not complain? And they say that the heart is just a muscle. Such a mundane understanding!

Hats off to you for your strength, memory, consistency, tenacity, and for sailing through the test of time.

According to science, friction is essential to making sounds. But you are an exception. The beat you play needs no friction. 

The Music you Make

Seven notes have to be synchronised and in rhythm to sound ecstatic. The rhythm and beats of my journey, all the music in me, found its genesis because of you. Your beats were the first rhythm I heard. People love me singing. They say I sing from my heart. It must be true, as I sing to you and for you.

I don’t know what I would have done without you. I would not have known life or what it feels like to be alive, let alone being six feet under. I owe you everything. I feel fresh and energetic because you strive every day to make the blood flow. You clean up the mess. You make me sing, write, speak, love, and fight with all my passion, so much so that my brain can’t function in your absence.

Have I worn you out? I sincerely hope not. We still have miles to go, places to see and people to love. I need you by my side. You have bruises, holes, scratches, and tears from everything I have put you through over the years. Are you ugly or broken? Not at all.

you are a star

Trust me, dear friend, you wouldn’t have been beautiful without those impressions and experiences. Even without being painted in gold, you shine and glitter. You are “Kinstugi.” As mysterious as you are, you are valuable to me. Hopefully, one day you will be valuable to someone else too.

Stay alive and kicking. Thank you for all you have done for me. I am in great debt to you. I love you.

Skipping a beat, I say, “You are me and I am you.”

Take care of yourself.

Stay Safe.

Love, 

Me

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I invite you to write your own letter of love in acknowledgment of your heart. If you heart permits, then share in the comments section.

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My sincere thanks to Soumya R Srinivasan for her thought-provoking, story telling sessions based on the book “Body Eloquence”. This book gives us a perspective on our behaviours in association with different body parts. Acknowledging the heart was one such element of being in gratitude and self-love and the inspiration behind this post. Check out Soumya’s blog for some interesting read here. You can find the book- Body Eloquence on Amazon.

My Tryst with Ni Hao – Unexpected Trust

When I started my journey, one of my biggest challenges was to overcome my difficulty trusting strangers. “Don’t talk to strangers” has its own local and regional flavours in our families, and like most of us, I have grown accustomed to it. In new places, I have been warned of people who will put me in harm’s way and therefore to not drink water or eat anything a stranger would offer. The warnings are endless, and the outcome is a castle of fear, which you spend more time trying to climb over.

The first destination on my solo trip was Aurangabad. As I climbed into the train and found my seat, I made acquaintance with a young researcher, who has a Master’s in law and is currently working for the Justice Department. He was on an assignment to collect data on check bounce cases across India. We connected, talked, and discussed quite a bit. Eventually, they decide to accompany each other and explore Ajanta Caves together.

We took a Shivshakti bus (government bus service) to Aurangabad. The ongoing infrastructure construction made the journey very difficult, both as an experience and for the time taken to reach the destination. As we set out to explore the caves, we noticed that the bus staff was trying to communicate with an elderly East Asian man about the time of our return. Both of them were trying their best to communicate and comprehend, but the attempts were futile. Obviously, I volunteered to help.

Magic of Ni Hao

Having visited China for work many years ago, I had picked up a few words and greetings. “Ni Hao” is the Chinese greeting for “hello”. I had taken a note of his passport before greeting him. “NiHao!” I said. Surprised, he looked at me. His face lit up like a neon bulb. Very greedily, he tried responding to me, and obviously, I had to disappoint him. All my knowledge of the Chinese language ended at “Ni Hao.” I could not converse with him beyond the greeting.

Thanks to my amazing dumb charades skills, with a careful choice of animated actions, I was able to get the message across to him. He knew not a word of English, and we didn’t know any Chinese. Even then, he decided to tag along with Hussain and me for the rest of the journey.

If you visualised the conversation between me and this man, all via actions, it would surely be a cartoon movie.

After a lot of effort, we managed to exchange our basic vitals of name and age. He went by the name of Cheng and was 55. To my surprise, when he shared his travel dates using his phone calendar, I realised he had been in India for a month already.

From that point on, we spent a lot of time in each other’s company, which was an experiment in itself. We explored Ajanta Caves, had dinner together, and also shared all the expenses. On learning the cost of my stay, he very emphatically responded that he was coming with me.

Unexpected Trust

We stayed the night at my hostel and continued to explore Ellora and Daulatabad Fort the following day. He was set to leave for Bombay (Mumbai) that night, and his wallet was empty. He had exhausted all his Indian currency and handed me a hundred dollar bill to exchange. His faith in me, a complete stranger, was an honour in itself. I will cherish that feeling all my life. I negotiated a good deal for him. He left for Bombay after saying a warm goodbye to us.

The learnings learnt from the traveler’s university course on “Transforming from Tourist to Traveler” were immensely helpful.

Here is this alien man who knew no word of English, travelling in India with just a translator app, trying everything non-native to him and placing trust in someone non-native. This was my moment of understanding that the Universe takes care of everyone and everything in it. We just have to trust the Universe and have faith that it is all going to be okay. The roads might not be as smooth as we want, but eventually each curve, each stone, each ditch, and each high will be an experience adding to this journey.

Summary

I had many takeaways from the interactions and experiences with Cheng and Hussain. Here is the summary of my learning for anyone who intends to start travelling solo.

1. Start with the belief that you can survive.
2. Acknowledge other travelers; they are in the same boat as you are, with the same anxieties and excitement.
3. Learn the art of small talk with any stranger: Name-Place-Eat-Weather-Clothing-Music-Age. Use your identity card and Google translator wherever necessary.
4. Learn the greetings of the land. Google helps here too.
5. Smile more often.
6. Share and give more to your fellow travelers.
7. Be in the interest of others.

Go Solo!

A Walk that Inspired Me – Narmade Har

I have been travelling for the last 6 months, experiencing the north and west of India (so far). To be honest, my first 100 days of travel were impulsive. There was a greed to move quickly and cover the places I had never been to. 

I began my second round of travel with a leadership intervention called “The Passage of the Being Leader”. It was an eight day walk over 120 kms on the Uttaravahini stretch where the River Narmada flows north to south. Twelve men were selected through a careful screening process and were invited to the walk.

Begining of The Walk

All the men reached Baroda in anticipation of what was in store. We acquainted ourselves and began the process of building a strong relationship. Without delving into details, I will try to share with you a synopsis covering the essence of “the walk,” which every man should do at least once.

We submitted all our electronic devices, including mobile phones and wallets. We also had to leave behind anything that seemed heavy. These items were in safe storage until our return. After that, the group of 13 men huddled for a quick grace and set out on ‘the walk’ with one of us assigned to lead the walk on the banks of the Narmada river.

Our Schedule

Each day, we had targeted destinations to reach by night. Our nights were usually spent in dharam shalas, or the homes of generous village people who were kind enough to host us, provide us with dinner, a place to sleep, and freshen up until we set out the following morning. Our daily schedule included several exercises, councils, rituals, and gratitude circles. Our diet was vegetarian food twice a day. 

Morning Practice

Acknowledging Our host who opened door for us to stay and eat fulfilling meals.

Another family who hosted us

One of our many circles. Uninhibited

“The walk” was grueling. We pushed our limits, walking through very tough terrain, fasting on food, walking without footwear, and walking in noble silence. Our discussions in the circles were profound and thought-provoking. Our undivided commitment to “leave no man behind” kept the brotherhood in empathy for any challenges we faced. We stayed on course to ensure every man on the walk reached the destination.

Some of the themes on the days we walked were “letting go,” “allowing to accept,” and “being uninhibited”. Our activities and discussions were centred around these themes, which guided our direction towards the welcoming consciousness and competences of a leader.

The Experience

The experiences on this walk are unparalleled to any other. One of the best things that happened was the realisation that there exists a world within the world in which we live where humanity thrives on trust, compassion, and generosity. To children, to old men, and to women on the routes we walked, we were aliens. We lead very different lives from theirs. There was just one “key” that helped the people from two different worlds connect. And that key was “Narmade Har!”, the powerful greeting of this trail.

As we touched eight destination villages and several others, Narmade Har! was used generously as a greeting to everyone who passed us. When they saw us huffing, panting, and exhausted, they would offer us tea, lemon, a resting place, and anything else we needed to continue our walk.

My Learnings

As for me, and from the perspective of my travels, something significant happened. I learnt to slow down significantly. I learnt how to become more aware of my surroundings. I am now able to enjoy and see everything more. I can now truly embrace the spirit of travel. I learnt that the journey is more important than the destination. My senses are active and tuned in. Dopamine and serotonin levels are definitely higher. I am grateful for everything that has happened and is set to happen in the future. My journey just got better than before, manifold.

This journey has even changed the way I look, which I am sure is for the better and definitely not for the worse. I love that I experience an inner state of “being inspired”, that I live in an abundance-less world, that I am in service of others and significantly aware of myself and the elements around me.

I owe it all to “The walk, The river, People of Narmada, My band of brothers and My teacher.”

Narmade Har!