Be Proud in Your Pride

I am somebody. I am ME.

And I don’t need anybody to make me somebody.

-Louis L’Amour

Who am I?

The search for identity wasn’t only Buddha’s pursuit. 

Each person’s own sexual and gender identity is core to this search. Am I a man or a woman? Who and what decides it? Whom am I truly and deeply attracted to? Should I conform to a norm that a majority or a community prescribes? What is making me want to fit in? There are so many questions carpet bombing my mind. 

Pride month is celebrated all over the world. There are arguments or views on why the world suddenly awakens just one month in a year. It hasn’t been easy to convince organisational leadership to invite them to learn more and promote understanding for all.

In the organisation I work for, it has been an amazing journey over the past two years. To go from thinking “deviants” may be one or two to taking baby steps with five people identifying last year as a part of the spectrum to this year with over forty-eight people identifying themselves.

Gathering vocabulary that provides clarity on sexuality, being able to distinguish gender identity, body types, sexual orientation, and much more has been a powerful journey for me. 

Human beings are more than the binary understanding we have been conditioned to.

To begin with sex is assigned at birth. That’s not just the factor that defines our sexuality. Our sexuality has more dimensions than the sex assigned at birth. Gender and sex are not the same thing.Fit is based on the genitals but may not be based on what the child may grow up and identify as. Gender is largely how you feel about yourself. It is what you believe about yourself and identify with. Gender is a social construct. 

Let’s take another step forward. What’s your sexual orientation? Somewhere along the way, we begin to find ourselves attracted to or attracting potential suitors to procreate. Humans (and dolphins) are the only beings capable of engaging sexually in both recreational and romantic contexts.Here comes our attraction, which may be inconsistent or consistent with our identity by assigned sex or programmed or resonating gender. When did you first realise you were “straight” or “heterosexual”?If the answer is “I just knew”, then that is the case for others as well. Very naturally.

Lastly, there are expressions: how we choose to express our identity and the way we show up and interact with the world around us. The clothes we choose, the makeup we wear, and the roles we play in our intimate interactions. 

The world of ourselves offers a window to find out more for those who are curious, open-minded, and non-judgmental about what is around us. The rules of that world include “don’t yuck my yum” and being “accepting” of other people by telling them “Come as you are.”

Birthday Bane – Mushroom Boon

“Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go,

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Mama, oooh

I don’t want to die,

I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all”

–Freddie Mercury

For many years now, I have found my birthday week a very difficult time to process. I am anxious, cranky, oversensitive, and want to hide and disappear. People who are close to me know I don’t want to be wished on this day. I have almost always wished I was never born. In a world where there are rules and there is a need to tame the wilderness inside of us, I find myself a misfit. The fearless state of being vulnerable, expressing, and experiencing is often determined by how others outside of you will feel.

Last week, at a gathering, someone offered to go trippy on mushrooms. I was advised to receive the mushrooms in a spiritual, natural, and ceremonial way. With my birthday around the corner, this seemed like the perfect gift to mark the completion of my 42nd year and welcome the gift of life for another.

On Ceremonial D-Day

A dear friend facilitated the much anticipated ceremony. After a gentle spiritual cleansing, we consumed the magic potion of carefully weighed shrooms and reflected through a meditation exercise. A soft melody began to play. My stomach was churning a bit.

Tripping the trip

As the day was ending, twilight was alive, and soon the colours around me became enchantingly enhanced. The stars in the sky, moonlight through the clouds, layers of red in the bonfire, flying sparks of fire and the vibrance of people around me were all intensified. It was better than an 8K HDR surround experience.

Another level of the journey began after putting on a blindfold. I transcended into an extraordinary world of rule-less formations and colours I had never seen before. With the sense of space, time, dimension, and direction lost, it was a free flow. I wanted to further explore that alternative virtual space. The closest comparison I can think of is an extrapolated version of the dancing screen on an iPod when playing music. 

My Kind of Celebration

Laughter came easily, even with a difficult stomach. The palms of my hands and my feet had separate identities. I felt disintegrated into the ground with no sense of the rest of my body. “Now I get it” and “Now I know” ran through my mind a few times. It reinforced my belief that godliness is inside of us.

I recall reaching out to my grandmother.I saw her younger self in a very abstract form, her struggles with birthing and raising my father. There was a moment where I was questioning the human idea of wanting to capture Mars, and if the life of music and art are formations.

The visuals I saw with the blinds on and off were very different and both worth it in their own right.

Birthday Party

My sense of gratitude for allowing myself to experience this, under the gentle facilitation of my friend, was soul-fulfilling.

It was great to wake up with no hangover or side effects and to be able to remember most of what I experienced. I celebrated my birthday with a grand party in my head. A party that was just mine, thrown by me for me.

The humble mushroom helped me celebrate the day of my existence to its fullest worth without shame or guilt for who I am.

Happy Birthday to Me!

The Silver Lining

Eda, how do we know what app to look for on the phone? asked my 78-year-old father after observing me doing something on my smartphone. While growing up, I saw him pride himself on being hands-on with technology. 

Times gone by

In the 70s and 80s, a person with tech acumen was able to operate, repair, and improve the experience of electrical equipment like TVs, amplifiers, ovens, lights, and pipes in the house. We prided him on being able to comprehend, apply his intelligence, and make things functional. He was electric and electronic savvy, so to speak.

Ever since he saw the first computer being installed in the company he worked for, something the size of a monstrous generator, he flipped. He was scared and cautious about interacting with a personal computer. The language and terms were tough to comprehend for him those were big reasons for his unwillingness to learn. He was operating from a space of fear and insecurity and hence couldn’t take this learning journey at the pace that was needed at that time.

The present

With the entry of smartphones into our lives, this learning gap has widened further. There are two generations handling this very differently. One whose lives almost depend on it and another who can’t seem to understand how anyone can do almost everything on the phone.

I spent the entire last month with my parents, and it was a very insightful time for me. I observed them keenly, their rituals, thoughts, outlook, insecurities, survival techniques, and much more.

The future

It made me think about the kinds of challenges that lie ahead for our generation and beyond as we transition through our age timeline.

What is it like now for an average person to interact and transact on the Metaverse, Blockchain, or other newer concepts? What more evolved technologies and innovations will enter our sphere, making life simpler for some and more complex for others?

Soon, silver will shine in our generation. Time is moving faster than we can comprehend. Remaining relevant and productive will become more challenging by the day.

Grow together

I wonder if there is something we can build as communities. Focus on enabling the middle-aged generation as they interface with the technology and lifestyles of the future.

What can be done proactively for the multi-generational workforce so that they are purposeful and fitting in times to come? How can we leverage the collective power of the present to prepare for the future and stay productive and grow together?

It’s about time we started building muscles and preparing as a society. This opportunity definitely has a silver lining. There is immense scope to learn and grow together.

The Searing

I recently attended a workshop called “Jokering Justice” by Sambhaavnaa, something which was on my to-do list for a while. This experience turned out to be a deep reflection of self and what it’s to be like in the shoes of the oppressed. Penning a few lines on my journey with the Theatre Of The Oppressed.

Tiny fluttering desire
Fleeting thought to aspire

Searching for something 
An unknown in the world of known

Looking at the wide blue sky
Deep longing to be free and fly 

With enough on body and belly
Soul still trying to find meaning

What about those who despair
Live with out gratitude, unaware

Finally, I found the way to ride 
Make a journey to the other side

An experience insurmountable
Thoughts, actions, words all on table

Learned the every path is not linear
Grateful for all that made me sear

-QuillSe

Dil Se Anaahat

Anaahat is described mystically as the sweet sound of the heart.It was a popular thought and a philosophy that received a lot of attention during the Middle Ages. ‘Dil Se Anaahat’ is a letter to acknowledge and express my love to Anaahat, who has been a witness to all my stories and everything else to date.

---

Dear Anahaat,

You have spent more than 42 years inside me, but I haven’t spent as much time with you as I should have. I realise I have taken you for granted and I want to take a moment to tell you, what you mean to me. What an awesome backpacker you have been through all these years and more so in the last 3 years of my life.

You’ve carried all of my weight and carried me along without a murmur. The power you’ve kept generating and that pump you work on has kept me alive. You have been my leader in experiencing life. Everything on the spectrum. I have heard you race and be calm. I have clutched at you-aching.

Your unwavering support

Everything that my body experiences: excitement, joy, sadness, love, lust, anger, greed, jealousy, doubt, guilt, shame, angst, affects you deeply. Even then, you have never held me back from experiences, risks, or the unknowns in store for me. You have nudged me subtly, maybe even complained a little when I made the wrong choices, but have always been there, unfailingly.

Perhaps my life would have turned out differently if I had listened to you, but would it have been as interesting as it is now? I am not sure.

On my journey of love, Anaahat, you rode on my sleeves, fearlessly. You made me powerful enough to trust and to be trusted. You have run wild with me in pursuit of love. I have felt you skipping a beat every time I crushed and squished on someone. Every time I broke, or failed, you just coped. You were aware of my hidden regrets and told me “this too shall pass”. You got me trying again.

How do you do it?

I want to sincerely ask you: Do you ever feel bored pumping day in and day out? How do you keep yourself motivated? How can you not complain? And they say that the heart is just a muscle. Such a mundane understanding!

Hats off to you for your strength, memory, consistency, tenacity, and for sailing through the test of time.

According to science, friction is essential to making sounds. But you are an exception. The beat you play needs no friction. 

The Music you Make

Seven notes have to be synchronised and in rhythm to sound ecstatic. The rhythm and beats of my journey, all the music in me, found its genesis because of you. Your beats were the first rhythm I heard. People love me singing. They say I sing from my heart. It must be true, as I sing to you and for you.

I don’t know what I would have done without you. I would not have known life or what it feels like to be alive, let alone being six feet under. I owe you everything. I feel fresh and energetic because you strive every day to make the blood flow. You clean up the mess. You make me sing, write, speak, love, and fight with all my passion, so much so that my brain can’t function in your absence.

Have I worn you out? I sincerely hope not. We still have miles to go, places to see and people to love. I need you by my side. You have bruises, holes, scratches, and tears from everything I have put you through over the years. Are you ugly or broken? Not at all.

you are a star

Trust me, dear friend, you wouldn’t have been beautiful without those impressions and experiences. Even without being painted in gold, you shine and glitter. You are “Kinstugi.” As mysterious as you are, you are valuable to me. Hopefully, one day you will be valuable to someone else too.

Stay alive and kicking. Thank you for all you have done for me. I am in great debt to you. I love you.

Skipping a beat, I say, “You are me and I am you.”

Take care of yourself.

Stay Safe.

Love, 

Me

---

I invite you to write your own letter of love in acknowledgment of your heart. If you heart permits, then share in the comments section.

---

My sincere thanks to Soumya R Srinivasan for her thought-provoking, story telling sessions based on the book “Body Eloquence”. This book gives us a perspective on our behaviours in association with different body parts. Acknowledging the heart was one such element of being in gratitude and self-love and the inspiration behind this post. Check out Soumya’s blog for some interesting read here. You can find the book- Body Eloquence on Amazon.